Thanks, Pops!

This video is courtesy of Joe.

Please, child, aspire to be like the one in this video.

Daddy's little flower child.

You are GROWING!!!

Birth Day Updates

Revised for February:

Stephanie is placing her cards on a February 3rd BOY.
Alice has you on the line for a February 26th GIRL.

Love,
Kirwin


Not to be confused with Kirwan. Let's hope.

Hide and Seek

Baby Betting, Round II

akes keep rising, fetus Hendy!
See chart below for next wave of predictions:





















Though if you are a green-eyed ginger, all bets are off.
Because then you would be a leprechaun.

Place Your Bets!!

Child,

Gambling is bad, but just remember that lottery tickets won't give you STDs, and slot machines are cheaper than crack cocaine. So, really, gambling isn't all that bad.

Let me demonstrate. Your loving auntesses are wagering on your birth, and at stake is our love for you.

• Stephanie is placing her cards on a January 3rd BOY.
• Alice has you on the line for a January 26th GIRL.

If you are born before January 15th, Stephanie wins. If you are born after January 15th, Alice wins. And whoever loses will bear a grudge against you for at least 8 moons. Unless you birth yourself exactly on January 15th, in which case we will throw you the biggest party ever and probably buy you a pony. Or the less crappy version of a pony (because seriously, who would want a midget horse? those things are ugly and smell like crap), a DRAGON. That's right, a dragon. Don't ask questions
.As for gender, you are clearly going to disappoint one of us, so don't fuck up.
xoxo

You're Not the Only One

Cammy Toe,

One day you are going to grow into a self-actualized little person and realize that *gasp!* you are not the only thing on this planet. There are other little creatures and lives all around you. And all of them began the exact. same. way. that you did. For the most part. Well, most mammals at least. But that's a lesson for another day. For today, here are some pretty neato pictures of baby animals inside THEIR mommies. Just like YOU!

Trials and Tribulations of Childhood

C-cup,

As much as mom and dad love you, life is going to be kind of crappy at times. Cheer up, it will get better in a couple decades. But in the meantime, it is important to be aware of all the strife that you will endure in the next 18 or so years. Here is a short list of some of the things you have to look forward to:

1. Teething
The first round of teeth aren't for keeps anyway, so instead of crying about it, why don't you get over yourself and embrace the fact that now you can eat real food. If you are nice, maybe mommy will even make you perogies!



2. The Terrible Twos
You will have NO friends during this period of your life because you will be crying and throwing tantrums the whole entire time.

Hopefully you will grow out of it by 2014. Otherwise, you can be sure that Frau Alicia and Frau Stephanosk will not be giving you any more presents.



3. Chicken Pox
What are chicken pox? Well, Cambo, they are disgusting little devil warts that infest your entire body. Not ONLY do they itch and scratch and feel icky, but more importantly, they make you a hideous little monster that nobody wants to see or touch. Do yourself a favor: buy some aloe or calamine, and lock yourself in a closet until you look respectable again.



4. Bullies
Reality Check: people are going to pick on you, so get over yourself. They will call you all sorts of names, even meaner and nastier than the ones your loving aunties will call you. People will tell you that you are too fat, or too skinny, too tall, or too short. And maybe they have a point.


5. Braces
Yeah, there is a good chance that you will need braces. And maybe by the time you need them, which will be right around 2025 (and Auntie Stephanie will be on her seventh plastic surgery), teeth doctors will have devised some invisible solution for heinously crooked teeth. But if not, and if you DO need them, I advise you to find that beloved closet where you spent your chicken pox days, and hang out there until the wires come off. Because lets face it: NO one looks good with braces.


6. Puberty
Just stay in the closet until college, how about that? Or, maybe you can come out for high school. Though, if you are gay -- not that there is anything wrong with that -- you actually might want to stay in the closet until college (see number 4).

Pot-O-Fun

Baby: congrats on being 1/3 born!!

Mommy is sacrificing mercury and raw meat and caffeine and alcohol for YOU, so this is just a reminder (read: threat) to be massively awesome once you get here.

As a tribute to Tracey's pregnancy diet, and as a reminder of your expectations once you enter this world, please refer to the image below, titled Pot-O-Fun:
* Upon conducting some actual "research", it appears that lobster is, in fact, acceptable to eat whilst pregnant.

Dragon Baby

Dear Camster,

You are a dragon!! According to the Chinese Zodiac (otherwise known as horse-crap), you and your fellow 2012-ers are DRAGONS. What does this mean?

1. In Kazakhstan you are actually a snail. Luckily you are not in Kazakhstan, so nobody cares.

2. You are most compatible with Rats, Snakes, Monkeys, and Roosters. However, you should note that this means people who bear those symbols, NOT the actual animals. Although monkeys are pretty cool.

3. Your "ruling hours" are 7:00am-9:00am. It is unclear what that means, but you should probably spend those hours crying and burping and defecating -- show mommy and daddy whose boss.

4. Your motto is "I reign". Damn straight.

5. Your power foods are wheat and poultry. Have mommy make you some chicken parmesan.

YOU MADE IT!

Happy first trimester, Baby Hendy! Mom just texted to say that her ultrasound went well and you are starting to look like a real live fishmonsty!

Daddy-Daughter (or Son) Activities

Dear Precious Gender-Neutral Baby Henderson,

I bet your dad is getting pretty anxious for you to pop out. And when you do I know he will be instantly in love with you. In your early months, he'll dotingly carry you around in a Baby Bjorn or papoose thing. When you're a toddler, he'll help you take your first steps. He'll patch your skinned knees when you're a little rodent. And he will make sure you keep it real and undramatic when you reach adulthood.

Basically, he's a pretty cool dude. And as your Unt, I want to help maximize your daddy-Cammy bonding. To that end, I've provided a list of fun, educational activities for the two of you to do together. More important: the list is chock-full of the types of activities I KNOW your dad will love. And really, there's no better way to bond than to make daddy proud. Check them out:

1. UNION BUSTING: Whip out your mace and wail on those communist fucks.

2. HIPPIE NARC-ING: This is a multi-step activity. Procure drugs, plant them on hippies, and narc them out to the police (act fast! before the hippies consume the evidence). Do it often enough and you may never have to hear the irritating noise of a drum circle again (or witness the abomination that is "hacky sack").

3. CHILD BEAUTY PAGEANTS: You could be the next Jon Benet, minus the brutal murder. Nothing would make your daddy prouder than seeing you take down those other bitches and bring home the crown!

4. ATTEND CREATION FEST: Your daddy loves music. Make him really proud by combining his love of tunes with your unabashed devotion to creationism. SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS and tell Darwin to suck it.

5. BECOME A RELIGIOUS FANATIC AND SHARE YOUR FAITH WITH DADDY: Really, it doesn't matter what type of religion as long as it is as closed-minded as possible. Remember, your dad loves fanaticism and polar extremes. Might I suggest you check out "Vision Forum." It will teach you a thing or two about gender roles that Mommy wants to keep from you. Don't let her!

6. INVOLVE YOUR DAD IN TEEN ACTIVITIES: When you become a teen (or heck, as soon as you can walk), you should try to involve him in the following coming-of-age type activities: getting a giant tramp stamp, attending "Strip to Fit" classes, being apathetic. Because really, Baby Henderson, no matter what you do, you will be the apple of your daddy's eye.

Popularity Contest

The top baby names for 2011 are as follows. All well and good, but you are cooler than that -- here are some MASH-UPS!!!

A Limerick for Cammy

There once was a baby Hendy,

Whose name is sure to be trendy.

When mom pops you out,

Your aunties will shout:

Why little one, what is your gendy?

Babycakes

I promise for your first birthday, Untie Alice and I will bake you this cake:

A brief list of acceptable things you can be when you grow up:

1. a pterodactyl

2. shock radio talk show host

3. replacement of Kathy Lee and/or Hoda as host of 4th hour of Today Show (first three hours are worthless)

4. garden gnome sculptor/entrepreneur/performer

5. secret shopper for mulch and mulch products

6. myspace web programmer

7. a pterodactyl egg or organic free range pterodactyl egg farmer

8. midget goat farmer, but only if in Montana

9. some kind of doctor

10. Lady Gaga.

Peekaboo! We see you!

Dear beloved Cammy,

I bet you are asking yourself "Self, what did I look like when I was inside my Momzbo's womb?" Don't worry. Your Untie Stephie has it covered and will lay it down for you. While "scientists" and "medical professionals" may tell you that you look something like this:

I have taken it upon myself to make an artistic representation of you and what womb-babies actually look like. Behold:

In about four weeks your mermaid fin will wither into your backside, and your legflippers will turn into real babyfeet. Your fisheye will turn into a peopleeye. And your dorsal fin shall transform into your humanspine. Your gills will close up, and your green scales will turn into personskin. These are the kinds of scientific facts about life that I hope I can impart to you for the rest of your life.

1:20 PM Emo Song

1:20 PM Emo Song

-or-

Welcome to the World, Fishmonster!

Roses are red

violets ain't yellow

you are a zygote

swimming in jell-o

mom and dad's gametes

joined to make you

a tiny fish baby

... maybe even TWO! (or eight)

after five days

you become something new

a BLASTOCYST!!!

a tiny fishmonster, woo hoo!

inside the womb

you breathe with your gills

you eat what your mom eats

and encounter wombly thrills

It's dark and it's nice

inside the jell-o

but after nine months

you must come say hello!

Unt Steph and Unt Alice

are waiting with hope

that you'll swim out and join us

what a wonderful trope!

And we will love you

With all of our might

We love you baby Henderson

We love you day and night.

Baby Toupees

WOW, THESE ARE AMAZING!!





If you are lucky, Baby Henderson, we will make you one called The Tripp!

Get To Work

It is never too early to start making some money.
Here are some educational and practical gifts from your loving Frau-Masters:

1. Cleaning Trolley
Learn how to sweep, vacuum, dust, and mop before you can even speak.
Mommy will thank you.
And make sure you use bleach to really get the floors spic and span.
















2. Pole Dancing Polly
Good skills to have. Better learn while your young. Because you're not going to get any prettier with age, just throwing that out there...















3. Changing Station
Let's be honest -- nobody wants to clean up after you. Strap on a helmet and learn to do it yourself. Seriously, grow up.





















4. WTF?!
Holy shit, this is racist.

Are You Edible??

Because here are some great suggestions for names:

BOY
1. Custard
2. Paneer
3. Mutton
4. Johnnycakes
5. Maror

GIRL
1. Frita
2. Borscht
3. Fava
4. Polenta
5. Rye

A Welcome Message

Our dearest Cam-L-To,

Why wait until birth to start documenting the memories? Your caring fairy godmothers are already commemorating you, in the most personal and intimate way possible. The internets.
This blog will provide thoughtful suggestions for your upbringing, loving considerations for your name, and lessons for you to learn from your ever wise and worldly aunts.

Here is a lesson. You should probably avoid faces like this one, unless you are faced with one of the following conditions:

1. Chinkles tries to steal your toys
2. Someone gives you a Barbie doll as a gift
3. Mommy wears rainbow bubble cherry Lip Smackers
4. Anyone says auntie Stephpoo has wrinkles
5. You haven't logged a log in a week or so

xoxo

Hello our future baby!

Dear Cameron L. Tobias,
You are but a glimmer in your mom and dad's eye but your Aunties Fraulines VonRosenDonalds love you very much.
We hope you are THIS CUTE: