Daddy-Daughter (or Son) Activities

Dear Precious Gender-Neutral Baby Henderson,

I bet your dad is getting pretty anxious for you to pop out. And when you do I know he will be instantly in love with you. In your early months, he'll dotingly carry you around in a Baby Bjorn or papoose thing. When you're a toddler, he'll help you take your first steps. He'll patch your skinned knees when you're a little rodent. And he will make sure you keep it real and undramatic when you reach adulthood.

Basically, he's a pretty cool dude. And as your Unt, I want to help maximize your daddy-Cammy bonding. To that end, I've provided a list of fun, educational activities for the two of you to do together. More important: the list is chock-full of the types of activities I KNOW your dad will love. And really, there's no better way to bond than to make daddy proud. Check them out:

1. UNION BUSTING: Whip out your mace and wail on those communist fucks.

2. HIPPIE NARC-ING: This is a multi-step activity. Procure drugs, plant them on hippies, and narc them out to the police (act fast! before the hippies consume the evidence). Do it often enough and you may never have to hear the irritating noise of a drum circle again (or witness the abomination that is "hacky sack").

3. CHILD BEAUTY PAGEANTS: You could be the next Jon Benet, minus the brutal murder. Nothing would make your daddy prouder than seeing you take down those other bitches and bring home the crown!

4. ATTEND CREATION FEST: Your daddy loves music. Make him really proud by combining his love of tunes with your unabashed devotion to creationism. SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS and tell Darwin to suck it.

5. BECOME A RELIGIOUS FANATIC AND SHARE YOUR FAITH WITH DADDY: Really, it doesn't matter what type of religion as long as it is as closed-minded as possible. Remember, your dad loves fanaticism and polar extremes. Might I suggest you check out "Vision Forum." It will teach you a thing or two about gender roles that Mommy wants to keep from you. Don't let her!

6. INVOLVE YOUR DAD IN TEEN ACTIVITIES: When you become a teen (or heck, as soon as you can walk), you should try to involve him in the following coming-of-age type activities: getting a giant tramp stamp, attending "Strip to Fit" classes, being apathetic. Because really, Baby Henderson, no matter what you do, you will be the apple of your daddy's eye.