Trials and Tribulations of Childhood

C-cup,

As much as mom and dad love you, life is going to be kind of crappy at times. Cheer up, it will get better in a couple decades. But in the meantime, it is important to be aware of all the strife that you will endure in the next 18 or so years. Here is a short list of some of the things you have to look forward to:

1. Teething
The first round of teeth aren't for keeps anyway, so instead of crying about it, why don't you get over yourself and embrace the fact that now you can eat real food. If you are nice, maybe mommy will even make you perogies!



2. The Terrible Twos
You will have NO friends during this period of your life because you will be crying and throwing tantrums the whole entire time.

Hopefully you will grow out of it by 2014. Otherwise, you can be sure that Frau Alicia and Frau Stephanosk will not be giving you any more presents.



3. Chicken Pox
What are chicken pox? Well, Cambo, they are disgusting little devil warts that infest your entire body. Not ONLY do they itch and scratch and feel icky, but more importantly, they make you a hideous little monster that nobody wants to see or touch. Do yourself a favor: buy some aloe or calamine, and lock yourself in a closet until you look respectable again.



4. Bullies
Reality Check: people are going to pick on you, so get over yourself. They will call you all sorts of names, even meaner and nastier than the ones your loving aunties will call you. People will tell you that you are too fat, or too skinny, too tall, or too short. And maybe they have a point.


5. Braces
Yeah, there is a good chance that you will need braces. And maybe by the time you need them, which will be right around 2025 (and Auntie Stephanie will be on her seventh plastic surgery), teeth doctors will have devised some invisible solution for heinously crooked teeth. But if not, and if you DO need them, I advise you to find that beloved closet where you spent your chicken pox days, and hang out there until the wires come off. Because lets face it: NO one looks good with braces.


6. Puberty
Just stay in the closet until college, how about that? Or, maybe you can come out for high school. Though, if you are gay -- not that there is anything wrong with that -- you actually might want to stay in the closet until college (see number 4).

Pot-O-Fun

Baby: congrats on being 1/3 born!!

Mommy is sacrificing mercury and raw meat and caffeine and alcohol for YOU, so this is just a reminder (read: threat) to be massively awesome once you get here.

As a tribute to Tracey's pregnancy diet, and as a reminder of your expectations once you enter this world, please refer to the image below, titled Pot-O-Fun:
* Upon conducting some actual "research", it appears that lobster is, in fact, acceptable to eat whilst pregnant.

Dragon Baby

Dear Camster,

You are a dragon!! According to the Chinese Zodiac (otherwise known as horse-crap), you and your fellow 2012-ers are DRAGONS. What does this mean?

1. In Kazakhstan you are actually a snail. Luckily you are not in Kazakhstan, so nobody cares.

2. You are most compatible with Rats, Snakes, Monkeys, and Roosters. However, you should note that this means people who bear those symbols, NOT the actual animals. Although monkeys are pretty cool.

3. Your "ruling hours" are 7:00am-9:00am. It is unclear what that means, but you should probably spend those hours crying and burping and defecating -- show mommy and daddy whose boss.

4. Your motto is "I reign". Damn straight.

5. Your power foods are wheat and poultry. Have mommy make you some chicken parmesan.

YOU MADE IT!

Happy first trimester, Baby Hendy! Mom just texted to say that her ultrasound went well and you are starting to look like a real live fishmonsty!